Coach Carothers

Well, my dear readers, there isn’t much to report this week… The runs are coming along adequately, the waistline is holding at its not-morbidly pudgy level, and otherwise things are swell.

So, it is to this "Pax Carotherana" that I have grudgingly decided to take up the challenge of coaching my wife back into running shape.

(I’ll pause while you all cringe)

My dearest Shawn is a wonderfully patient, kind, loving woman who likes the concept of running — in theory.

She would like to be able to again run longer distances, as she did a few years back when she completed the TC 10 Mile.

The only problem is, with her tremendously busy schedule, the only time she has to work out is before 7 a.m. on weekdays.

(I’ll pause again while you all re-cringe)

Now, being a sportswriter — or, as I like to refer to it, "The highest eveolution of man" — my schedule allows me time at a decent hour (say, noon) to get a good hour-long run in…

Not so with Shawn, who is embroiled in one of those salaried positions that tends to keep her working for a good 60 hours or so a week.

So, if it doesn’t happen in the morning, it ain’t happening.

And it ain’t been happening, as my dearest wife has become quite adept at hitting the snooze bar within .0007 seconds of the buzzer going off. So fast is she, that I often do not notice the alarm going off even after 5 of 6 snooze hits… By which time, it’s far too late for her to hit the treadmill.

So it happened over the weekend that my most cherished wife asked her husband to once again re-initiate the "Coach Carothers" program.

"Coach Carothers" has a couple of phases:

1) During the weekdays: I set the alarm clock on my side of the bed to a time that will allow her ONE snooze, and then brusquely attempt to verbally (and sometimes, physically) push her out of bed so she can go for a run or do some other form of exercise while I fall back to sleep for another hour or so…

2) On the weekends: We awaken at a more appealing hour and go for a run outside together of ever-increasing lengths as time progresses.

This program has met with abject failure on its previous attempts because of a couple of reasons:

1) We get in an argument in the morning as she refuses to awake to run.

2) We get in an argument over the distance of a run as we are running.

I am pleased to report that after four days, the "Coach Carothers" program has worked 50% of the time, has met with an argument during both 1) and 2).

The first verbal altercation came THREE MINUTES into our first run of the current program’s incarnation after a disagreement over whether a run would cover 2.8 or 3 miles (Shawn did not realize that we would be running all the way to Lake Nokomis, believing instead that we would only be jogging from our palatial Richfield home to the local pizza establishment of Fat Lorenzo’s — overall, a difference of about two blocks).

The second talkin’ tussle came on the morning of DAY TWO, after I was told that 6:15 was "too late" to get up to run as she had to be at work by 8 a.m. — apparently, she was quite miffed that I did not realize that she has needed to be in by 8 on Tuesdays for the last couple of years.

Resignation No. 1 came on the third day, again after reasons explained in the previous paragraph that also evidently apply to humpday.

My abdication came in a curt, "You’re on your own." Which was followed by a prompt plea for reconsiderment on my part, and after a few smooches I conceded with a warning about the need to "end your silly little game-playing and do what coach demands."

Hey, I can at least sound the part…

Well, this coach is pleased to report that his pupil performed admirably this morning, running somewhere between 2-3 miles (even puking up a bit of water — if I heard her right, but I can’t confirm that) before returning home to a pleased, and still semi-concious husband.

She gets to do her "Bosu ball" workout on Friday, which concentrates on the core — something I guess is very important… I wouldn’t know as my core has been slathered over by tummy goo for the majority of my existence on this big, blue marble.

So, we’ll see if we can improve on the 50/50 average over the next few days after a rather inglorious start.

If I were in Vegas, I’d be betting on the argument.

Once again, no events on the card this weekend as the wife and I will be spending the majority of the weekend volunteering for the Randy Shaver Cancer Foundation’s Golf Classic out at Rush Creek — which I believe is about half way to South Dakota from here…

Until next time, happy running!